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Thursday, February 25, 2010

The last few weeks have been indescribable..

A blurr of events I can hardly remember,

yet slower than watching paint dry.

Can those two Coexist?

 It is now three weeks until my surgery. I know without a doubt that it is the absolute right decision, but I feel so anxious.
 On one hand I am so excited to get this process started as soon as I can. And on the other, I am terrified as each day passes that I am one day closer, and not strong enough to endure it.  Days are chaos getting things in order at the salon, and fitting in my clients before my absence, Yet nights drag on and on because all I can think about is this fear of the unknown ahead of me. It makes it so hard to sleep. I think Tim is getting quite used to my frequent breakdowns, poor guy. He is constantly reminding me just to breathe. But I'm trying my best to hold it all together. I was not anticipating the emotions involved here. I am at a crossroad. A life changing, terrifying, exciting, amazing overwhelming crossroad.  Does anyone have suggestions for Calming my Crazy self? Luny Bin possibly?

10 comments:

Amy said...

Honestly, Tim has it. Just breathe. And focus on all the good that will come of this. It's so hard to not stress about the unknown but just breathe and think about not being in pain, starting your family, and moving on with your life.

We are always praying for you and thinking of you guys! It is killing me to not be able to be there physically through this whole thing...but I'll leave you with lots of goodies that helped me after back surgery and you know we are here for you with whatever you need.

Sara said...

Just remember you have a lot of family and friends that love you and are praying for you. It will be okay:) I'm so super excited that finally you have some answers and was able to get in contact with this doctor. What a blessing. I can only imagine what you have been through. Sure love ya tons:)

Emily and Jake Shoff said...

Oh Jess, I have no idea what you are going through cuz I have never been there, but I know when I feel stress or anxiety about something I just pray really hard for comfort and that's about all I can do! I will pray hard for you! I know that everything will be great!

Carrie said...

No loony bin for you! You have every right to feel a bit anxious, scared, and emotional! Although I wish you did not have to feel that way. I have plenty of days like that. But I am not dealing with the same kinds of things you are dealing with. Constant physical pain for three years...I could never understand. What a hardship you have been enduring! I know what I am about to say may sound cliche. I read an article out of the Ensign yesterday. It was president Uchtdorf's talk from the priesthood session at the last conference. Anyway, there is a line in there where he says, " it is often in the trial of adversity that we learn those most critical lessons that form our character and shape our destiny." You have absolutley been going thru some major adversity! As I said, I know it is so cliche, but truly I think you will come out a stronger, better person on the other side of all this. Not that you are not already strong, because YOU definatley are! I can say with 100% assurity that happenings in my past have made me who I am today. I have much to learn, but know I would be a different person had it not been for those things. Good luck Jess! You are in our prayers!

Bryson.. Melissa.. BryLee said...

Kneel and Pray!! Is always helps.. Maybe you and your hubby could make a temple date! That always helps too!!!! You are stronger then you think. Trust me, i have been through some ruff patches, and always seems to get through them! You can do it. Your awesome. Our prayers are with you

Heather said...

Oh Sweetie, focus on the answers you've recived and your destination. Remember how scary it was when you had no answers? I know what it feels like to not know when something will end. I know that there is still some unknown territory ahead of you and the hardship isn't nearly over but you are moving forward and there is progress. The progress will continue and every day that passes is not only a day closer to the next chapter but also another day closer to where you wanna be. Every day and every hour and every second takes you closer to the end of this nightmare. The journey sucks but you will get there. Take it one day at a time with lots and lots of bubble baths with lots of candles and uplifting music. If you can, have Tim take you away somewhere for a weekend. Or even one night. Just away from everything. Every one is right...breathe and pray. If you can dump some work onto someone then you should. Right now is the time for you to be selfish...we all want to help. Thats my advise for you. Hang in there :)

Holly said...

Everything happens for a reason and if you are doing what you know is right it will all fall into place. Love ya!

Jude said...

Oh Jess, I'm so glad that you have a good support system, its always good to reflect on blessings in a time of fear and uncertainty. You are a strong woman, I know you will be able to handle whats in store for you.

Megan said...

It's getting so close! We'll all be with you every step of the way. Some amazing things have happened to get you here. You are loved so much. I wish I were there to help in person. Love you so much, big big breaths and take some time for yourself... you're almost there.Love you!

Chris and Dianne Clan said...

You are probably preparing to have your surgery or have already had it. You are in our thoughts and prayers. I hope that somehow, if you feel up to it, that you can keep us updated on how you are. Much love and prayers are coming your way.